Kabul (AP)
After a hard-fought night where Anttti Niemi stole an unlikely victory for the Thrashers, many of their veterans agree that there is much work left to be done. The team had just allowed an atrocious seven power plays against, and if not for the heroic efforts of the top PK unit this may have been an ugly night in Kabul. A common thought must be on each veteran's minds as they committed body and soul to kill off penalty after penalty - even if it remains an unspoken fact, vehemently denied by absentee GM Lau despite multiple requests for comment by Al-Jazeera. The Thrashers are too old. Many veterans face retirement or demotion to the NHL, and room is to be cleared for new blood in a highly-anticipated rebuild of the franchise.
Expected Departures
38 year old captain Roman Hamrlik, 36 year old Brendan Morrison, and 34 year old Toni Lydman have either declared their intention to retire, or have already been told they will be sent to the NHL to play out their days at the conclusion of this season. Former captain Jarome Iginla, 34, is coming off an extremely disappointing campaign coming in 7th in Thrashers scoring behind all but defensive specialists Pascal Dupuis and RJ Umberger. Unnamed sources from within the Thrashers camp have communicated that the team will be actively shopping Iginla and looking at a veteran replacement for the departing top pairing of Hamrlik and Lydman. Rene-I-have-a-French-name-but-speak-no-French Bourque will have his handsome contract bought out to save his life. Kandahar extremists can no longer bear his poor play, and are actively looking to abduct the much-maligned winger.
From the Oracle of Anguri
The Oracle of Anguri possesses a crystal ball that can see into the near future of the team's players. The Oracle foresees Ryan Whitney will injure his ankle in a freak IEM incident while lobster fishing in his hometown Massachusetts, rendering him largely useless for the 2012-13 season; After an impressive rookie season carrying the Thrashers to respectability, Michael Grabner will capitalize on his rock star status over the offseason binging on booze and boobs, arriving in camp with neither his scoring touch or world-class defense; RJ Umberger decides to intern for the US army during his summer vacation and will be captured while on assignment by neighboring rival Turkmenistan. After what is believed to be 1500 hours of capture, exposed to alternates between sensory-deprivation chambers and non-stop re-runs of Entourage, he will believe himself to be the retarded brother and lose the will to compete; Unable to find a fried chicken shop in all of Kabul, Chris Stewart will have to settle for Afghanistan's unofficial top export: opium, and spend much of the 2012-13 season in a dreary trance in search of fried chicken.
The Oracle of Anguri, however, foresees some of the Thrashers' young guns will step up and make the transition to the BFHL. Tyler Seguin seems primed to step into a starring role with the team, having delivered a respectable performance playing against the girlie men of the NHL. Jake Gardiner and Lars Eller will also likely compete for spots on the big club, as will deadline acquisitions Sergei Gonchar and Filip Kuba. Filip Kuba missed all of the 2011-12 BFHL season, but has spent most of the year battling insurgents barehanded. From his experience, he has gained innumerate courage and lost the ability to feel bodily pain, thus a huge spike in his defensive and shot-blocking abilities is expected as he will likely lead the rebuilt Thrashers' defence corps.
Reclusive GM Lau will have his hands full as he'll be looking to replace all of his top three defencemen, as well as at least half the members of the top nine forwards. Members of the media aren't sure how to reach him, but he is said to already be in discussions to move Jarome Iginla in the offseason, and open to all proposals.